Silly Succulents and Garden Store Horrors Amazing tips

Succulents that make me run screaming are at my (and probably your) local garden center...which I'm now calling The Big Box of Horrors. Sadly, most appeal to kids and newbies intrigued by succulents who don't realize the flashy ones are doomed to fail.

You probably already know you'll get sneers from succulent lovers by mentioning cacti sold with fake flowers attached. Yet they were the least of the offenders I found. What's not dreadful about them are their prices: $4 for a small (2-inch-pot) cactus and $7 for a larger (3.5-inch). For a starter assortment, one could do worse. Besides, fake flowers peel off easily (they're just glued on). Even so, the concept---which has been around forever---smacks of bait-and-switch and implies that some shoppers are truly stupid.

Cacti with fake flowers

Also sneer-inducing are dark green haworthias coated with purple, blue, pink or red paint. I know you'd never buy one, but what if a well-meaning child gives you one? Signage says the "artificial coloring" does no harm, and plants outgrow it. Indeed, some were already greening at their centers. Even so, they remind me of sea birds that need oil cleaned from their feathers. Salvaging and scrubbing victims is an important act of mercy. Btw, despite a label that too-cutely calls them Kosmic Kactus, they're not cacti but rather haworthias, which happen to be among the few succulents that survive minimal sunlight.

Next among the eye-rollers were moon cacti, cheery little gymnocalyciums in candy colors. Problem is, their spherical tops contain no chlorophyll, so they can't handle sun without burning. Yet they're grafted onto a cactus rootstock that absolutely requires light---the more the better. Savvy shoppers realize that these itty-bitties are short-lived and wisely consider them annuals. To be fair, moon cacti can look cool in some design uses and probably wouldn't offend me as party favors---which at $6 apiece is a possibility.

Eve's Needle amid aloes

Seeing a cholla tucked amid a nice assortment of short-leaved aloes (Aloe brevifolia) made me groan. 'Eve's Needle' (Austrocylindropuntia subulata) hides vicious spines inside green sheathes disguised as slender leaves. Unlike the frivolities mentioned previously, it's fiercely tough. Plant it in your garden and it'll slowly but relentlessly turn open space into a dense thicket no one dare attempt to remove.

Opuntia microdasys (bunny ears)

I also lamented a plant that should be banned (indeed, is illegal in Queensland): Opuntia microdasys "bunny ears." This polka-dot paddle cacti can make kids and collectors howl in pain due to tufts of glochids---tiny golden spines with hooked tips that detach easily. Touch a fuzzy pad and OW! (To remove glochids, try coating them with rubber cement; let dry, peel, and hopefully they'll come with it.) Don't let small children, clueless friends, pets or livestock near it.

Glochids

Initially I was pleasantly surprised to see portulaca, a floriferous trailing succulent good for hanging baskets and flower beds. Then I remembered it's one of very few annual succulents. No wonder it's on sale---it dies in winter (i.e. two months from now).

Portulaca

I noticed a non-succulent weed next---one I've battled for decades---and exclaimed, "Oh, no!" It's a type of asparagus fern with spiny stems, feathery green leaves, and red berries. In a frowsy, bad-hair way, it's not awful in terraces. But don't let those berries fall off. Whatever cranny they roll into, they'll produce offspring that, below the surface, form marble-sized corms. These swell, send forth new plants, and are difficult to get rid of short of Round-Up.

The asparagus fern that's an invasive weed

On the plus side, there was a stunning selection of Kalanchoe blossfeldiana---a bullet-proof succulent with shiny, dark green leaves sold even in supermarkets for its hot-hued blooms. I briefly considered getting a few orange ones to contrast with my blue senecio, but at $15 apiece...meh.

Kalanchoe blossfeldiana

Speaking of blue senecio, also for sale was that plant's giant version: Skyscraper Senecio from Sunset and Southern Living Plants (Curio ficoides 'Mount Everest'). For me, this upright beauty is a rarity, so I was happy to see it. Although pricey at $19 for an 8-inch pot, its five, 2-foot stems potentially offer a dozen or more cuttings...so telling you about it lets me end on a positive note.

Skyscraper Senecio

Do you have succulents or nursery plants in your garden that you absolutely would NOT plant again? Or that have disappointed you to the point of tears or swearing? Do tell us in the comments!

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